Reaching for Greatness

Tonight I met a man who changed my view of the world. Tonight I met a man who not only inspired me to greatness but one who opened my eyes towards what leadership really is. This man's name is Dan Awendo, CEO of Home Afrika. I will not dull his words with my own, I wish to share his story as he shared it that his story may be forever etched in your mind.

"I went to Starehe boys, back in the day when Starehe was still Starehe boys - these days they do not top as they used to. I went to Starehe on a football scholarship, I was a great goalkeeper and that's how I went to Starehe. The other students looked down on me and that gave me a very real sense of self and wanting to do extra. Starehe was composed mainly of Division One students, so if you were a Division Two student then it was almost like you belonged elsewhere. The school was really about your own effort and by the end of my stay there, I was among the top four in my class. 

This is what I am talking about, that extra-effort that you put in for you - not for your parents, not for your teachers and not for your bosses but for you. Regardless of what happens around you, what is in you is what will always make the difference. What you know that others don't will keep you ahead of others. I grew up in Kaloleni and I can tell you that half of the people I grew up with are dead. They lost their lives to drugs and gangs but I made it and others made it too, so it is not what goes on around you but what you do above and beyond for yourself that matters.

We all start out as technicians. Either you are coding, fixing computers, doing accounting or something like that - so we all start out as technicians. However, when you become a manager you must stop being a technician because leadership is about achieving results through others. As a leader you must make sure that your team shines because if they do not shine then neither will you shine. 

As a manager, hire the person who can replace you, who is either like you or better because otherwise you will not grow. The only way to move up is to create space for others below you to move up. It is like the paradox in the bible that we receive by giving. To most people it is counter-intuitive but those who have tried it know that it is the truth. Therefore get to know people you work with, know what motivates them and make sure that they shine. You can no longer be a builder, you must be an architect.

You are the average of the 5 people that you spend your time with the most. Show me your friends and I will show you your future. Eventually you will become like the people you spend your time the most with. 

If you remember nothing else, remember this, You only move up by creating space for others below you to move up."

In Honour of Our Loved Ones

Sorry I never told you

All I wanted to say

And now it's too late to hold you

'Cause you've flown away

So far away

Never had I imagined

Living without your smile

Feeling and knowing you hear me

It keeps me alive

And I know you're shining down on me from heaven

Like so many friends we've lost along the way

And I know eventually we'll be together

One sweet day...

One Sweet Day - Mariah Carey

This one goes out to all of you people who have a father, a mother, a husband, a wife, a sister, a brother, a son, a daughter, a grandfather, a grandmother, a friend or someone that you truly love and who can never be replaced. There are no words that can describe losing a loved one. No words can make things right again, no words can set the stars right again when that precious life is lost. We can only honour our loved ones and celebrate the lives they lived.

Funny how you never notice things about a loved one when they are still alive. Like how they laugh or how they had this strange habit of calling for no reason at all. Small things, things that don't seem like a big deal like how your mother would always remind you to carry a handkerchief or how your wife used to pack your lunch for you - these are the things you will remember the most when someone close to you passes away.

So why wait for Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter or some other man-made holiday till you can see them? Why call when you can visit? Why hold on to the words that you know would mean the world to them? Why hold on to grudges? You always assume that you have more time but in truth, none of us has very long anyway. 

The greatest fear of man is not to lose his own life, no, it is for the person he cares about the most in the world to meet a sudden end. One day this will certainly be true, if you don't die first. For a man, the worst day in his life is when his mother dies. Conversely, the worst day in a woman's life is when her father dies. The worst day in any parent's life is when they lose a child, especially when the child was older.

The Christmas holidays are here again. So take that leave, go home, or go to your loved one. Show them you care, show them that you treasure them, because once they are gone, there will be no more words left to say.

My best friend gave me the best advice

He said, "Each day's a gift and not a given right.

Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind

And try to take the path less traveled by.

That first step you take is the longest stride...

If Today was Your Last Day - Nickelback

The Titanic

Yesterday is but a dream, and tomorrow is only a vision, but today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness and every tomorrow a vision of hope.

 - Khalil Gibran

"I was waiting for so long, for a miracle to come. Everyone told me to be strong. Hold on and don't shed a tear..."

- Celine Dion.  

The Titanic, they called it the Ship of Dreams. It was supposed to spell a new dawn for man. It was supposed to be the greatest thing ever invented by man, but it sunk, killing 1,517 people and leaving only 706. It took 3 years to build the Titanic but less than a minute to sink it.

You all know the story and I won't rehash it. We all make mistakes, we all do things we shouldn't do. Sometimes they work out and sometimes they don't. Sometimes, Murphy's law will apply to you, anything that can go wrong will go wrong and you will hit an iceberg. You'll never see it coming, just as the crew of Titanic didn't see the iceberg till it was too late.

Life happens to everybody, jobs end, children die, engagements are called off, marriages end, women miscarry, businesses go bankrupt, things fall apart. As the master of your own life and the architect of your fate, you design and draw up impeccable plans, not quickly no. Rather through tireless days and sleepless nights, you craft your dreams and paint a picture of the world you want to live in. Nothing left to chance, everything is mapped out, well maybe not everything but you convince yourself that you have got it together that at least even if you fail, at least you tried greatly. Nay, you say to yourself, you force yourself to believe that it is impossible to fail, because those who have gone this way before insist that if you put yourself in a situation where failure is not an option, you will succeed.

Well, that works most of the time, until you lose your job or a loved one is diagnosed with cancer. That is, everything makes sense until the one thing, the one component of your plan that you felt was invulnerable collapses and everything comes apart like it was never solid in the first place. I once heard a story about a man who succeeded in all he put his hands to. He had the Midas touch, no venture of his failed or broke even. All his efforts were rewarded gloriously. He believed that he was untouchable, that his excellence bordered that of a god. Well, one day he got sick and his wife whom he had always taken care of, did not know to run the businesses and he lost it all.

Through the darkness and good times

I knew I'd make it through

And the world thought I'd had it all...

Things collapse, now you've lost your job, your main and perhaps even, your only source of income. You smile but through your eyes your sorrow shows. Your dreams, your great dreams of building a great home for your family, your dreams of sending your children to great schools, your dream of giving your family the finer things in life goes down the drain. You do all that you know to do, you do things that you never thought you'd have to do. Your bear the humiliation and try to smile. You hide the stories of your former trappings, you try to conceal your former life from your current colleagues. You can't let them know how far you have fallen.

The people who would have once greeted you as sir on your way into a building or into an office, the people who would have saluted you and spoken reverently to you now harass you when you try to enter the building where you work as a handyman. They treat you like a suspect or a criminal. You are silent on your true qualifications. You are reduced to pleading with people who work in the offices of the building where you now work as a handyman, for a job. Where you would have once come in as a distinguished man, you now come in as an assistant to a more skilled handyman. 

You carry the toolbox, you do as you are told. You try to keep up, but you are not as fast as the other handymen. You do your best, but you are not always paid for it. The hardest part is when your friends and former colleagues ask you where you work now - that is if you are single. If you are a family man, the hardest part is going home and having to look your kids in the eye knowing that you will disappoint them. The pain is blinding and sometimes, death seems like a reprieve, no, even better, death seems like a friend. More than death, you want to never have lived, you want that the Earth would open up and swallow you and that there would be no memory of you - that no one would remember what a failure and disappointment you were. 

When it was dark now there's light

Where there was pain now's there's joy

Where there was weakness I found my strength

Friend, I am here to tell you that I have been that man. I am here to tell you that I reached the precipice and fell hard and that it hurts when Humpty Dumpty has a great fall. It hurts to piece yourself together, it hurts not to be able to hold your head up high. It hurts to have nothing to talk about at the table of men. It hurts when you have nothing to show for all the years of your work. It hurts when you can't even provide for yourself. It hurts, it really hurts to borrow from friends and loved ones. 

This too shall pass. I know it doesn't look that way. I know exactly how it looks and feels but here's the key, when you are going through hell, keep going. When one door closes, another opens but it can be hell in the hallway. Disappointment may rain on you, people will turn on you but I can promise you this, it will end and you will smile again. 

Your unsinkable ship, your perfect plans, your awesome dreams, your great job, your rock-solid marriage will hit an iceberg. Everything you know or you think you know will change but I am here to assure you that this is not the end, not for you. You are greater than your worst tragedy, you are stronger than your greatest challenge. You may lose your will to live, you may lose the spark in your eye, you may even lose the one thing you never thought you would lose but the sun will shine again on you. You will need help but when you shine again, you will shine brighter than you ever did before and one day soon after that, you will understand the storm you went through.

What is destined will reach you, even if it be beneath two mountains. What is not destined will not reach you, even if it be between your two lips.

- Imam Ghazali

The Perfect Partner

…Well I found a woman, stronger than anyone I know

She shares my dreams, I hope that someday I'll share her home

I found a love, to carry more than just my secrets

To carry love, to carry children of our own

We are still kids, but we're so in love

Fighting against all odds

I know we'll be alright this time

Darling, just hold my hand

Be my girl, I'll be your man

I see my future in your eyes…

Ed Sheeran - Perfect

So you found that special one. That woman that makes you realize that all your life has been spent in preparation for the moment that you'd meet her. You met her, that amazing Wonder Woman for whom every pain, every heartache was worth the experience. 

She is your sunshine, she is your rain, she is every flower in your garden, the crown jewel, the very breath that you take. The one you cannot live without. The love of your life, the future you hope for, the one that you want to spend the rest of your life with, the one you would give your all for. The one for whom time stops, the one with whom every moment counts. The one whose eyes you get lost in, the one who is worth the wait, the one.

The thing is, you reach this stage a few times in your life. It's therefore understandable for you to be sceptical of the passage above. How many times do you feel that you've met the one only to find yourself face down on the floor? God it hurts! It hurts to be alone but it hurts even more to love and to be left by the one you love, especially when they promised to be there for you forever.  

What to do then? You don't want to be alone but it feels like any time you try all you feel is pain. Keep trying. Keep putting yourself out there. There is some wisdom to the expression that "one wears their heart upon their sleeve." Fortune favours the bold. There is only so much pain you can take - I know, but you don't know how much you can take. You don't know how much inner strength you possess till you go through hell. No risk no reward, no pain no gain, no guts no glory, you have to risk it to get the biscuit.

I knew I had found my perfect partner when I discovered that she cared enough to reach out even when we'd had a fight. I realized that I had found my partner in crime when I discovered that we could fight and still love each other. I realized that for the first time I loved someone truly and deeply when they wouldn't give up on me even when I was being difficult - not intentionally of course but men withdraw, sometimes more than they should. I realized that I had found her when I saw some of me in her and when she saw some of herself in me. I realized that I had found the one when I didn't care to hold her handbag.

She’s beautiful, and therefore to be wooed; She is a woman, therefore to be won

- William Shakespeare

Let's Not Just Be Friends

If I was your best friend, I want you 'round all the time 

Can I be your best friend, if you promise you'll be mine 

Please say he's just a friend, now girl let's not pretend 

Either he is or he ain't your man, please say he's just a friend

Best Friend - 50 Cent ft Olivia

Ah the vagaries of love. They are like the waves of the sea, ever tossing and turning to the winds of emotion, dancing to the beats of the naive heart. Have you ever noticed how the people who seek love seem to be the ones hurt most by it. By stark contrast, those who rarely seek love, who sometimes only seek carnal gratification tend to find it more. Perhaps they are just less picky, perhaps they have already learnt that this fickle thing called love is just what you make it and nothing more. Anyway, this is not what this article is about.

This article is for those who never give up the pursuit of happiness. This article is for those who have been in, to call it mildly, 'situationships'. What is 'situationship' you ask? That is precisely what this article is about. No crap about love and oh how beautiful it is supposed to be, no just plain facts of life today.

Situationship is when you meet someone who seems so promising at first, who makes all the right moves and for a while it is like they are courting you but then they stop. Weird isn't it? Well ladies as you probably guessed, this article is targeted at you. Situationship happens quite often these days. It is more of the rule rather than the exception. That new handsome guy in the office? He is smooth, knows to show you a good time, has a sense of humour. He has a certain sense of joie-de-vivre about him. He is not what you expect but you are willing to get to know him better. Two weeks, three dates and a hundred jokes down the line you want to see where this goes but then all of a sudden he just pulls out. He no longer calls you, texts, and to make matters worse, he is now applying his moves on someone else at the office. 

You want to understand what happened but you are lost for words. You didn't give up the cookie, you thought things were going well but then he just moved on like he never even met you. You'd rule him out as weird but it has happened to you so many times that it's like deja vu. Sometimes it lasts a month, sometimes it lasts six weeks but alas, same old crap, different day!

On the other hand, the man meets a girl and he likes her. She makes him laugh, drives out the blues and they can be together without spending too much. He finds that she has some attributes that he would like to see in a long term partner, at the same time, she has certain idiosyncratic tendencies that are harmless enough on their own. She intrigues him and he likes it. Two weeks and 5 dates later though, he finds that he still cannot find meaning in this relationship that seemed so full of promise at the outset. He has been here a million times. On the outside, both he and the lady are well-to-do people with promising careers. They seem to match in their ideals and values, and they even seem to make each other happy. With any luck they could be walking down the aisle within a year or so.

However, the man has been here before, he knows how it goes. They may have been together through a rough time in his life or in both their lives and survived it, but this is not necessarily a harbinger of the good things to come. Men are trained to be fast and decisive in the way they act and having faced so many meaningless relationships, they can easily drop a relationship and pick up another one. Faster isn't always better though. A man must however never look back, as his ability to stick to his decision is psychologically tied to how well he will fare in other endeavours. 

It is sad that relationships or rather situationships as they are so often called these days, are so shallow and empty. Rather than find relationships, people find temporary attachments that can bring them joy and enjoy them as long as they last. Once the attachment ends, both men and women move on. In this way, they avoid the pain of having to let go of someone that you've come to know so well. The aftershocks of this disastrous decision is only felt when they see the children of their age mates playing about. This is especially hard for women as they are born with maternal instincts. This is not to say however that the men do not hurt, they do too, but they are better at hiding it.

I still haven't answered your question have I? I mean, sure the relationship lacks real meaning but give it time and it may yet surprise you right? I mean, maybe he finds a side of you that no one else knows and that maybe he won't want to let go. Maybe, the two of you make it work. Maybe, the two of you can make each other smile till you finally tie the knot with each other or with someone else. Maybe, maybe...just maybe you were meant to be. It takes time to get to know one or does it? Doesn't even nature teach us that gold and diamonds are found deep within the earth? "Never mind!" You tell yourself. "It's his loss anyway!"

While it is good to be slow to judge, it is not quite so good to be in a dead-end relationship. What do I mean by that? A relationship where you can't discuss real issues, like your insecurities, your fears, your hopes, your dreams, your challenges and your eccentricities. Such a relationship is good only for purposes of fun, where you need to keep things shallow and undefined. There is a point however in every man's life where the question of family actively moves from the back of his head to become his chief focus. It is not entirely dependent on age, rather it also depends on socioeconomic status.

Abraham Maslow defined a hierarchy of needs in the year 1943 that is still quite valid today. Once a man is able to provide for himself and has a little left over and has crossed a certain level of maturity, he desires or rather needs intimate relationships. Intimacy is not just sex, nay! The definition of intimacy reaches far and above the basic urge to have sex. Intimacy demands openness, sharing of secrets, dreams and hopes.  

Inline with this, it is necessary for two people to have matching dreams and hopes for them to be truly together.

The Princess and The Frog

Not sure if you know this

But when we first met

I got so nervous I couldn't speak

In that very moment

I found the one and

My life had found its missing piece...

Beautiful in White - Westlife

Finding the one you love is not about finding someone to live with for the rest of your life. It is finding someone who you can't live without for the rest of your life. I did not understand this concept for the longest time. That is until recently. You know, after you've been hurt by your first true love, you kind of feel like love is not real and that marriage is just a special type of friendship. It's a feeling like you've lost something that you can't seem to find again. It's not that you are still hurt, but you just don't feel strongly for anyone - regardless of how good they are.

Then comes along this young and attractive woman, demure yet confident, shy yet certain, reserved yet curiously playful. She shares some of your interests, even some of your eccentric ones. Like your love for cartoons and the rain. She is independent but appreciates your company. A wonderful partner in business and an excellent mentor at home. She conducts herself with such dignity and care that you cannot help but pay attention. She makes decisions and sticks to them and though she is annoying sometimes, you learn to love every part of her. Her smiles, her grimaces, her demeanor, her constant complaining about one thing or the other and her mysterious silence at times. You can't quite figure her out but you know that she makes you happy.

Ladies and gentlemen, here is a tip about men and the women they pick for marriage. The woman for a man is not the woman who the man feels so deeply attracted to. The woman who a man marries is the woman that makes his world most beautiful, the one that makes him feel good about himself. It sounds simple and a little silly I know. However, it is rare to find an attractive young woman who is smart, who shares your interests and who actually makes you feel good about yourself.

You see ladies, a man's life is made up of a lot of struggles and men don't overcome these struggles over night. Successful men will tell you that you fail many times before you can succeed. This is where the anecdote of The Princess and The Frog is important to note. The truth is that a man becoming is a bit like a frog. He has his faults, he fails more than he succeeds and until he achieves his life goals, he might not put you first in the way that you'd like. He may not seem like a prince charming in his struggles at the time, in fact he might not look it at all. But it is in this time that a man needs a woman with vision and wisdom in his life the most. This is why a man finds a wife in his youth and they build a life together and though he may end up cheating on her, he will always come home to her in the end. It's because he remembers that she was the one that stayed with him when the chips were down. She was the one that helped him realize his dreams. To the cheating man, perhaps, every other woman he cheats with is just a useful distraction - animating, but short-lived.

In summary my good friends, when you find the one, you will look at your dreams again and feel that they are incomplete without that person in it. Your dreams will feel empty without that person, but with them, your dreams will be complete.

He was walking her home By Mark Schultz (With Lyrics)

Of Love & Heartstrings

When God made you, He must have been thinking about me…

When God Made You – Newsong

You ever wonder what happened to the theory that a man is supposed to locate his missing rib? Since a man lacks one rib on one side of his torso, it is said that, that one rib is the missing woman. The rib that God took in order to create Eve. Is it all just a fable? Is there really such a thing as the one or are we deluding ourselves? Is there that one person who can fulfill our desires, end our loneliness and bring us total happiness? That is an age-old question of which the answers are as varied as they are many.

I cannot honestly claim to be an expert in this but here’s what I have found:

• Happiness is an inside job – No matter how many special people you meet in your life you will always find that the buck stops with you when it comes to happiness. 

• You can be special to someone sometime but not all the time – We all wish to find someone special. Someone who chooses us over everyone else no matter what. The truth is that even when we meet that person, there will still be those times when we feel that they are siding with someone else over us or that something in their lives that takes priority over us. This is usually not something that affects men as much as it affects women. Women tend to be very sensitive when they feel de-prioritized. One example is when you get home and want to watch the news rather than talk to your wife. If this becomes a habit then over time she will come to feel unloved.  

• Loneliness is bad but what is worse is being with someone who makes you feel lonely – At the end of the day, the person who makes you feel most special is also the one who can make you feel most unloved. Socrates once said, ‘By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.’ 

• It’s not just about love, it is also about compatibility – No matter how much the two of you love each other, if you do not share core values; as in family values, parenting models and the like, you won’t be very happy together.

• Your partner does not complete you, they complement you – Unlike poles attract. This is very true even outside the world of physics. Outside of core values, it is important for two people who are interested in each other to be different. However, you should always be a happy and well-rounded person before seeking a mate. If you are unhappy when you are single, then you will be unhappy with your partner. This will also keep you from being overly dependent on your partner. 

• Everyone will hurt you in the end, find someone worth suffering for – It is often said that some people walk into our lives and leave their footprints in our hearts. This is very true. It is also true that no one is perfect and eventually either willfully or without meaning to, people will hurt us. There are those people who are so dear to us that we can easily forgive them, those people who we would do so much for even at a moment’s request. Let me tell you now that even among your friends, those are the people you eventually want in your life.

Finally, permit me to say that honesty, caring, trust and commitment are the pillars of any stable relationship. You cannot have a relationship where trust is lacking. Trust is built on honesty. Caring fosters trust and allows people to give each other second chances. Commitment will get you through the rough days. Till next time, whether you are single or not, be happy

Lonely Hearts

A pity beyond all telling is hid in the heart of love - William Yeats

Today's article is special for the reason that I speak as a man who knows how hard it can be to be an adult and a man. I write to you today not as a blogger or an author, but as a man who experiences every day struggles in this ever changing world. I write to you also as a man whose heart has recently been broken.

Many times, when a man comes home from work, he hasn't had a perfect day. He may have failed in delivering a project on time due to short deadlines, an accident could have happened at work and he had to work longer or take the blame. Maybe he asked for a raise and didn't get it; it could even be a promotion that he missed. More often than not he has had a difficult encounter with a client or a co-worker. Sometimes a man has been rejected for a job that he had applied for elsewhere. Life is full of disappointments but one never quite gets used to it.

Every day we live, we try to be better, to make better choices in order to have a better future. Of all our endeavours though, very few tend to succeed. More often than not, we succeed at the small things rather than at the big things. We succeed in organizing our day, in meeting deadlines, in making new acquaintances and even in going for a holiday once a year. However, when it comes to some of the big things like getting a promotion or getting a scholarship, it's no longer as easy.

Disappointments come in many shapes and sizes and everyone has a different way of dealing with it. This depends on age and character. Younger people may prefer the bottle but older people who realize that temporary escapades cannot offer permanent solutions have a variety of ways for dealing with it. We can sweep small disappointments under the rug and simply tell everyone that we are fine. The truth is, it is the big disappointments that make the real difference. They are what drive couples apart, cause parents to distance themselves from children. Sometimes they can even affect performance at the workplace.

To all those who have pain in their lives, I say to you that a man is not a man without a few of life's disappointments.

“Turn your wounds into wisdom.” 

― Oprah Winfrey

Mistakes

On my way to L.A.

Looking into the rear view as the roads fade away

I've sworn off my past,

The first to last bad call that I ever made

Tell me how to make right

Every wrong turn that I've learned

So this can all end tonight

Tennessee line just changed my mind,

Well, it's my heart I'll follow this time

Feels Like Tonight - Daughtry

Sometimes my dear readers, you're gonna feel like crap. Sometimes no matter how great life is and how many things you got figured out, something happens and your life is not quite the same. This is especially true when you make a mistake that you swore that you would never do again, like going back to an old boyfriend or dating your boss or even calling someone you were done with. 

When we first make a mistake like lending someone our car when we knew that it wasn't very wise to do so, we allow ourselves to make that mistake promising ourselves to learn from it. We assure ourselves that we know what we are doing that it is good to give others the benefit of doubt even when our internal senses are up in arms over the same. Usually, we get burned. That person spills something in the car or they get into an accident or worse, they claim that the car was stolen. We swear never ever to entrust them with anything again, even if we are related to them. 

The truth is though that there are some mistakes that no matter how painful, we repeat. It is these mistakes that hurt above all. When that mistake is a person, then it hurts over and above anything else. Of course it is only natural to give someone that you love a second chance but we must always remember that in so doing we open up ourselves to grave pain. The lesson to be learned here is that not everyone deserves second chances.