Saying Goodbye

Goodbye Michelle my little one,

You gave me love and helped me find the sun

And every time I was down

You would always come around

And get my feet back on the ground

Seasons in the sun - Westlife

Its valentines again, the season of love! Or so I hear. How have you been my dear readers? Well I hope you've been grand. Today I want to share with you about being merciful when it comes to goodbye. What was that folks? Did I get it right? Yes indeed! Being merciful and compassionate when saying goodbye. Before I go any further I would like to make it perfectly clear that I do not mean being merciful about saying goodbye to people who cheated on you or who for some reason you no longer have affections for. No, this article is dedicated to depicting the art of handling unrequited love.

For those of you not in the know, unrequited love is when you love or care for someone but they don't feel the same way or vice versa. From the moment we first feel the tender effusions of the heart, we feel that we've found something special, even someone special. Things soon begin to change. We act differently around that person, we talk differently around that person. This is especially true when we are young and thus so inept at hiding our desire. This indeed does make us seem odd. Not to ourselves but to others who know us and to the very person we desire. Though there are cases where this desire stimulates rather than repels the person we desire but such cases are rare.

More often rather, we are rebuffed by the very people we seek to charm and in hindsight learn to be more dextrous in courting the objects of our passion. We learn to mask our passions and our odd behaviours. Acting natural even when everything feels quite unnatural, becomes second nature to us. So good do we become at this that in time we learn to do the reverse, that is, pretending to be interested in someone when we really aren't. In time if we dedicate ourselves, then drawing attention from someone indirectly becomes quite easy.

It therefore comes as no surprise to those who have honed their skill of charming the people they want, when they suddenly discover they have unintentionally aroused another person's interest in them. Have I lost you? What I simply mean is that many times you will find that someone is completely taken by you, the only thing is that you most probably don't desire this person and hardly see them as more than a friend.

Quite often this person is a relative of a friend or even a much younger and in some cases a much older person. To some it is a shock, particularly if that person is not used to receiving attention from the opposite sex. In such case this person may be quite rude or point blank. In contrast, those who have experienced this quite often know the pitfalls to avoid. I claim to be no expert in this field but I will say they errors I have learned to avoid.

For Women

Women are curiously delicate creatures. They demand to be treated with care and regard. You may not brusquely or offhandedly suggest that she is only just a friend. To do so would be to cause grievous harm to her heart and risk provoking her to wrath. No when a woman is interested in you as in more than a friend, the best thing to do is not to relay the truth in a casual or direct way. You need to be a little more refined in the way you handle the whole affair. Do not encourage her! This would be a fatal mistake. To push her away would be another fatal mistake. How then to handle this strange dilemma you suddenly find yourself in particularly if she unwittingly embarrasses you in the worst possible times?

Its easy, do not encourage her but just little by little pull away from her. Say less and less around her. Be friendly but put an air of distance between the two of you. Women love hints even if these hints reveal ugly truths. Being gentle but firm, then is the way to go when you are trying to disentangle yourself from the web of her gallantry. She will get this hint fairly quickly and her passions for you might be soon extinguished. Do not be surprised. You may miss it, but don't reawaken her desire just because you miss her attention. You must see this through to the end.

For Men

Men are unruly creatures. They love challenges and all the glory that comes with surpassing themselves. Women often make the mistake of doing what they would prefer to be done for them. They are gentle, friendly but with an air of distance. They will show you affection at some point but then with hold it for a prolonged period of time. When the man seems to give up on his pursuits, then the woman becomes friendly again. Feeling that the woman is only challenging him, perhaps playing the game casually known as hard-to-get, the man redoubles his efforts to win the woman's heart. She draws further and further away drawing the hate and spitefulness of the man in the long run. You see the man does not understand that she is only trying to be a friend. He thinks that she is just trying to give him a hard time to see whether he really loves her. So when he has proven his love many times over and is still rebuffed and later accepted and rebuffed again, he gets tired and abandons the cause completely.

Ladies, I know its hard to believe but we men are not like you. We prefer the cold hard truth no matter how uncomfortable or painful it is. When you see us acting strangely and deduce for yourselves that we do so because we care then the correct thing to do if you do not feel the same would be to pose the question directly. Are you mad? I'm not going to ask him if he fancies me? He'll get the hint sooner or later! You say. No he won't. Ladies you love clues right, well here is a clue. When it comes to men, subtle hints don't work, big hints don't work, obvious hints don't work. Men are simple creatures, we are not as complicated and insightful as women who can easily decipher the complex social codes that women use in their communication. We like things straight up. Few, indeed hardly any women in today's society know how important it is to ask a man who wants to be more than a friend how he truly feels about her. Once the man admits his feelings then let him know that you don't feel the same. Here, let me mimic a conversation between the two of you.

"Hi Lisa, how are you doing?"

"Oh hi George. I'm fine, you?"

"I'm much better now that I've seen you, thanks."

"Errr...ok ."

"Has anyone ever told you you have the prettiest eyes?"

Lisa smiles to herself.

"By the way, can I take you out to lunch today?"

Lisa quickly looks around and smiles briefly again, but this time to George. 

"No, unfortunately I've been a little busy lately."

"Oh ok." George says looking slightly crestfallen.

"I'll see you around then." Says Lisa.

"See you." George says.

Later when they meet again...

"Hi Lisa."

To herself. "Oh no!" Then brightly to George.

"Hi there."

"Hey I have these tickets to tonight's concert, I thought we could go together."

Lisa biting her lip as if deciding on how exactly to respond.

George notices. "Is something wrong?"

"Well, its just that...well..."

She pauses. Then in a slower voice. "George, do you have a crush on me?"

George looks fleetingly at her for a moment, then cast his eyes on the ground.

"Well, yes actually." He says slightly shuffling his feet.

Lisa with a patronizing look. "George I'm sorry but I don't feel the same way."

George now looks thoroughly shocked and heavily disappointed.

She walks away wordlessly

George may be astounded now but later, maybe even a day later, he will be grateful. They will continue to be friends, unless of course George is immature. Notice that she did not say "...but we can be friends." Ladies let me tell you, few things in life hurt more than those five little words. Its like you are saying. "Look here, you will never measure up to the standard of being my boyfriend. You will never be man enough to be the man my heart desires. You are good only as a friend, nothing more!" Its not what you are saying but it is what he will hear. It does seem hard to believe the direct approach is better, but try it sometime and see whether I am lying to you. In contrast, if you treat him the way you would want to be dissuaded then your chances at friendship are remote at best.

When you are the one in love...

Finally my dear readers, if you suspect that you are the one who isn't loved then it is even easier. As a man you need to make your intentions very clear. Not by blurting them out, but by using bold hints in courting her. If you are not successful in getting her attention in the first few attempts then question your approach. Secondly you need to take her out on a date and ask her to be your girl within the first three dates. You must be swift and bold, completely unafraid but smart and cunning at the same time. Sure women want a prince charming but you my friend have to be smart and prepared just in case things go sideways. Besides, its not the end of the world if she rejects you. 

If you are a lady then just find little but noticeable ways of letting him know that you are interested. If he doesn't notice then he is either unworthy of your love or not interested. Either way you save a lot of grace and dignity by moving on quickly from such a man. Men love challenges, if you don't give him one then don't expect to be pursued. If you embolden your efforts, you may indeed find that he accepts you but trust me, the chances that he is just in it for the ride and doesn't really care are fairly high.

I hope that you will find this article useful. I wish you success in all your endeavours to win the hearts and affections of your true love...