For Your Own Peace of Mind

"I know he's leaving me for you
(Who said that, who told you?)
That is true
What is he telling you?
Could it be the same things that he told me?
(He told me that he loved me)
I heard that
(He told me I was beautiful)
Uh-huh
(How did you know? How did you know?)
Because I played the scene before..."

- Same Script, Different Cast by Whitney Houston & Deborah Cox 

There's a lot to be said for a person leaving you based on a rumour. Rumours are everywhere, they are in our workplace, in our homes, in our places of worship and devotion; they are even in our very bedrooms. Gossip is such a sweet thing when its about someone else. Its not so sweet, when its about you. But today, I will not bore you with the details of what an ugly monster gossip is and how much trouble rumour mongering causes. No today, lets talk about what to do when people gossip about you and your reputation is on the line.

The surprising thing about gossip is that it always emanates from those closest to you. People you think you can trust, with whom you have shared not just great adventures with, but also great hardships with will gossip about you. Its not always intentional. Sometimes they are just worried about you and are concerned about the decisions you are making. In this matter, your friends sometimes share things about you with other people they assume are your friends since you all hangout together, not realizing that the other person was intentionally left out of the loop for a good reason. Whichever way people find out things about you that, true or not true, you would prefer them not to know, when it happens, it has happened. Its spilled milk, water under the bridge, let it go.

Like alcoholics when they are first confronted with the grim reality of their addiction, your first and most natural reaction to a controversial and potentially damaging story about yourself is denial. Then comes the anger. Rumours are often based upon truth; but the rumour is often so sick and twisted that it completely obscures that truth and changes the complete perception that people have of you. Can you afford to ignore such an insult? Sometimes when its something you've overcome or its something you've already come to terms with, you can let it go without so much as a second thought. But sometimes, you stand to lose something that you really value, a job, a relationship or even a career. Under these circumstances it is quite understandable to first deny the allegations.

Anger is unavoidable in the event that these rumours lead to a loss. Gossip is something so tiny, but like a flame in the bush, it can burn down the whole forest. It may even end up destroying work and/or relationships that you have built for years. The saddest thing is, that those you thought cared and generally meant well for you when you shared these stories with them, ended up being the very culprits that twisted the narrative turning it into a living nightmare! 

In these stage, you - the victim of this rumour - needs to take a step back and reflect. Blazing thoughts flash through your mind. Should you excommunicate your so-called "friends". Should you punish them for this insult, should you defend your pride or try to salvage anything? The answer to all these questions is no, let me tell you why. First of all, these so-called "friends" are sometimes linked to other people or friends (who may or may not be involved in the mongering) that you need in your future. Take the example of this poor lady, who quits her job over her intimate friendship with a colleague. What happened? You ask. Well, they met at work, they courted, dated and had lots of fun sex. Problem is, the dude took naked photos of her. Once they broke up, he posted them on the internet claiming that she was a prostitute. Now, the boss happens to be a close friend of the ex-cum-colleague, what to do? You may want to leave the company having a steady working relationship with the boss for references concerning future job opportunities.

Secondly, you shouldn't bother fighting the opposition. Now, I sound like a politician eh? What I simply mean is, don't bother denying or confirming the story. Why? Because the more you deny it, the guiltier you look because with all rumours there are always multiple versions of the story and you probably heard the mildest one. If you confirm it, then you just put the gasoline to the flame. Ignore the story, it will pass. The best thing about rumours is that they never last, sooner or later, even if you are dead, the truth will out. As the Lord Jesus put it, "Whatever was said in darkness, will be shouted from the rooftops..." Don't waste your time on these rumour mongers. They've already taken part of your reputation, don't let them take your time, energy and enthusiasm. Ignore the chaos, manage it by not breaking silence. Nothing stops a rumour faster than the victim's silence.

Finally, in your anger, do not make rash decisions. Your life may feel like its over. You lost everything that you've ever worked for, all your friends and colleagues have forsaken you. Be not discouraged, these things must come and these things will pass. When people say that what doesn't kill you will make you stronger they truly mean it. I once had such a scene, and it felt like I had no more reason to push on with life. It felt like I was done, like there was nothing more left to do. All you see is pain, all you feel is anger, betrayal, hatred, malice and rancour. Deep bitterness embraces your heart and your desire for revenge is unmatched. Hear me out, there is always a bright side. You just can't see it because of the pain, bitterness and anger.

In the midst of all this, you cannot hope to win by trying to salvage what is lost. You cannot hope to win by being a good man, showing the good things you've consistently done for others. Neither by appealing to others who have gone through the same pain. I know because I have seen others who have done this and failed miserably. Here is what those who succeeded did. They let it go. "Noooooooo!" A thundering voice booms in your mind. "Not like this, not after everything that they did to me and definitely not after what I did for them!" Even if you can get back at them, let it go for this simple reason. All the things you lose in your life, you lose to gain better things. You lose a job, you gain a business. You lose a relationship, you learn a lesson and get a better relationship. You lose a career, you gain a new one, one far much more rewarding. 

Every single event that happens in your life can either be a stumbling block or a stepping stone. I leave you with this fine story of the late Steve Jobs. Steve Jobs, built apple from nothing. He made it what it became. At one time, he contracted a new CEO for the company. In the beginning, they agreed on everything, even finishing each other sentences. You couldn't have found a finer pair of twins anywhere on the globe. A few months down the line, they disagreed and Steve was forced to leave the company. Steve had given up his education for this company, he had given everything for this company. It was his life's work and now, all of it had gone away, just like that! Steve walked away from the chaos, it was too late to start another similar company. Both his career and his job were gone in one fleeting instant. He had dependants, and responsibilities. He had financial obligations, what was he to do? He started a new company providing a new technology. This technology is what is used to develop movie animations. This company became a mainstream success. Meanwhile, Apple sales were going down. The company's value dropped lower and lower every year until the company was forced to invite the very man they cast out, back into the fold. By this time, Steve's other company was way more successful than Apple. Steve did not need them, they needed him and the world knew it. 

What did Steve do different? Having lost everything including, contacts, his job, his career, his partners and probably various investments made through the company; Steve chose not to focus on what he had lost, instead he focused on moving on. This my dear readers, is always the key to moving past the chaos and the nightmares. You may not know where you're going or how you will start, but just start like this. Put one foot in front of the other and whatever you do, every day you get up, try and hold your head up high. Soon you will look back, like Steve and marvel at how far you've come. If you do not do so, then know this, that you are dead on your feet. Some messes cannot be fixed and some wrongs cannot be made right. As Solomon once said, "That which is crooked cannot be made straight; and that which is wanting, cannot be numbered..." (Ecclesiastes 1:15). Remember this, whatever you do, you can never look back. The past is the past, you cannot change it and it you can't make it better. If you try to go back, you lose whatever you've gained, great or small. Steve turned his greatest defeat, his darkest moment, into his brightest hour. Will you dare to do this today?