For Your Own Peace of Mind

"I know he's leaving me for you
(Who said that, who told you?)
That is true
What is he telling you?
Could it be the same things that he told me?
(He told me that he loved me)
I heard that
(He told me I was beautiful)
Uh-huh
(How did you know? How did you know?)
Because I played the scene before..."

- Same Script, Different Cast by Whitney Houston & Deborah Cox 

There's a lot to be said for a person leaving you based on a rumour. Rumours are everywhere, they are in our workplace, in our homes, in our places of worship and devotion; they are even in our very bedrooms. Gossip is such a sweet thing when its about someone else. Its not so sweet, when its about you. But today, I will not bore you with the details of what an ugly monster gossip is and how much trouble rumour mongering causes. No today, lets talk about what to do when people gossip about you and your reputation is on the line.

The surprising thing about gossip is that it always emanates from those closest to you. People you think you can trust, with whom you have shared not just great adventures with, but also great hardships with will gossip about you. Its not always intentional. Sometimes they are just worried about you and are concerned about the decisions you are making. In this matter, your friends sometimes share things about you with other people they assume are your friends since you all hangout together, not realizing that the other person was intentionally left out of the loop for a good reason. Whichever way people find out things about you that, true or not true, you would prefer them not to know, when it happens, it has happened. Its spilled milk, water under the bridge, let it go.

Like alcoholics when they are first confronted with the grim reality of their addiction, your first and most natural reaction to a controversial and potentially damaging story about yourself is denial. Then comes the anger. Rumours are often based upon truth; but the rumour is often so sick and twisted that it completely obscures that truth and changes the complete perception that people have of you. Can you afford to ignore such an insult? Sometimes when its something you've overcome or its something you've already come to terms with, you can let it go without so much as a second thought. But sometimes, you stand to lose something that you really value, a job, a relationship or even a career. Under these circumstances it is quite understandable to first deny the allegations.

Anger is unavoidable in the event that these rumours lead to a loss. Gossip is something so tiny, but like a flame in the bush, it can burn down the whole forest. It may even end up destroying work and/or relationships that you have built for years. The saddest thing is, that those you thought cared and generally meant well for you when you shared these stories with them, ended up being the very culprits that twisted the narrative turning it into a living nightmare! 

In these stage, you - the victim of this rumour - needs to take a step back and reflect. Blazing thoughts flash through your mind. Should you excommunicate your so-called "friends". Should you punish them for this insult, should you defend your pride or try to salvage anything? The answer to all these questions is no, let me tell you why. First of all, these so-called "friends" are sometimes linked to other people or friends (who may or may not be involved in the mongering) that you need in your future. Take the example of this poor lady, who quits her job over her intimate friendship with a colleague. What happened? You ask. Well, they met at work, they courted, dated and had lots of fun sex. Problem is, the dude took naked photos of her. Once they broke up, he posted them on the internet claiming that she was a prostitute. Now, the boss happens to be a close friend of the ex-cum-colleague, what to do? You may want to leave the company having a steady working relationship with the boss for references concerning future job opportunities.

Secondly, you shouldn't bother fighting the opposition. Now, I sound like a politician eh? What I simply mean is, don't bother denying or confirming the story. Why? Because the more you deny it, the guiltier you look because with all rumours there are always multiple versions of the story and you probably heard the mildest one. If you confirm it, then you just put the gasoline to the flame. Ignore the story, it will pass. The best thing about rumours is that they never last, sooner or later, even if you are dead, the truth will out. As the Lord Jesus put it, "Whatever was said in darkness, will be shouted from the rooftops..." Don't waste your time on these rumour mongers. They've already taken part of your reputation, don't let them take your time, energy and enthusiasm. Ignore the chaos, manage it by not breaking silence. Nothing stops a rumour faster than the victim's silence.

Finally, in your anger, do not make rash decisions. Your life may feel like its over. You lost everything that you've ever worked for, all your friends and colleagues have forsaken you. Be not discouraged, these things must come and these things will pass. When people say that what doesn't kill you will make you stronger they truly mean it. I once had such a scene, and it felt like I had no more reason to push on with life. It felt like I was done, like there was nothing more left to do. All you see is pain, all you feel is anger, betrayal, hatred, malice and rancour. Deep bitterness embraces your heart and your desire for revenge is unmatched. Hear me out, there is always a bright side. You just can't see it because of the pain, bitterness and anger.

In the midst of all this, you cannot hope to win by trying to salvage what is lost. You cannot hope to win by being a good man, showing the good things you've consistently done for others. Neither by appealing to others who have gone through the same pain. I know because I have seen others who have done this and failed miserably. Here is what those who succeeded did. They let it go. "Noooooooo!" A thundering voice booms in your mind. "Not like this, not after everything that they did to me and definitely not after what I did for them!" Even if you can get back at them, let it go for this simple reason. All the things you lose in your life, you lose to gain better things. You lose a job, you gain a business. You lose a relationship, you learn a lesson and get a better relationship. You lose a career, you gain a new one, one far much more rewarding. 

Every single event that happens in your life can either be a stumbling block or a stepping stone. I leave you with this fine story of the late Steve Jobs. Steve Jobs, built apple from nothing. He made it what it became. At one time, he contracted a new CEO for the company. In the beginning, they agreed on everything, even finishing each other sentences. You couldn't have found a finer pair of twins anywhere on the globe. A few months down the line, they disagreed and Steve was forced to leave the company. Steve had given up his education for this company, he had given everything for this company. It was his life's work and now, all of it had gone away, just like that! Steve walked away from the chaos, it was too late to start another similar company. Both his career and his job were gone in one fleeting instant. He had dependants, and responsibilities. He had financial obligations, what was he to do? He started a new company providing a new technology. This technology is what is used to develop movie animations. This company became a mainstream success. Meanwhile, Apple sales were going down. The company's value dropped lower and lower every year until the company was forced to invite the very man they cast out, back into the fold. By this time, Steve's other company was way more successful than Apple. Steve did not need them, they needed him and the world knew it. 

What did Steve do different? Having lost everything including, contacts, his job, his career, his partners and probably various investments made through the company; Steve chose not to focus on what he had lost, instead he focused on moving on. This my dear readers, is always the key to moving past the chaos and the nightmares. You may not know where you're going or how you will start, but just start like this. Put one foot in front of the other and whatever you do, every day you get up, try and hold your head up high. Soon you will look back, like Steve and marvel at how far you've come. If you do not do so, then know this, that you are dead on your feet. Some messes cannot be fixed and some wrongs cannot be made right. As Solomon once said, "That which is crooked cannot be made straight; and that which is wanting, cannot be numbered..." (Ecclesiastes 1:15). Remember this, whatever you do, you can never look back. The past is the past, you cannot change it and it you can't make it better. If you try to go back, you lose whatever you've gained, great or small. Steve turned his greatest defeat, his darkest moment, into his brightest hour. Will you dare to do this today?

Love At First Sight!!!

Cuando Me Miras Así -- (When You Look At Me So) When you look at me so I am lost. When you look at me so I go with you. What can I do? Your eyes are the magnet for my heart. When you look at me so I am complete. When you look at me so I know who I am. I ask for no more, it is the best. You're the angel light of my love In you I can see the freedom. You make me feel that I can fly. And I know that here is my place. And I know that I want to love you. When you look at me so... When you look at me so... nothing more is needed. The only desire I feel is to love. In you I can see the freedom. You make me feel that I can fly. And I know that here is my place. And I know that I want to love you. In you I can see (the) freedom. You make me feel that I can fly. And I know that here is my place. And I know that I want to love you.

Where do broken hearts go...

"You see, I haven't been the same
Since that cold November day
We said we needed space
But all we found was an empty place..."

- Where Do Broken Hearts Go by Whitney Houston

So where do broken hearts really go when they are broken? What really happens to a man or woman who thought they had met the love of their life only to lose that loved one in a painful and sometimes embarrassing way? Do endless tears or sad mourning change anything? Does the pain ever truly go away?

The short answer is no, the pain does not go away at all. The pain stays, sometimes so does the love. But why is it that those of us who have suffered through relentless pain and torture - sometimes even physically - stay? What makes us so naive? Why are we so drawn to the people that hurt us? Why do we so willingly give our hearts to those who will not think twice to hurt us?

Your husband beats you, he slaps, punches, kicks and even bites you till you bleed. Your wife sleeps with other men, and does not even bother to hide it. She abhors and despises you, but you still will not walk away? Is there something wrong with you? No. Are you retarded? No. Why are you still with her?

There is no simple answer to that. You see folks, when you first loved someone, they were sweet, loving, considerate, protective, considerate and very passionate. You, as a couple, had shared dreams and you both felt the same way about each other and nothing seemed impossible to the two of you. You shared in each other's joys and in each other's sorrows. You overcame everything together, it was like the moon and the sun. Though different, one can't do without the other.

They would start a sentence and you would finish it. She would be upset, and he would know what to say. He would make mistakes, and she would not judge him. They make their way to the top, but then slowly, things start to change. He no longer comes home, he doesn't even pay the school fees for his own children. She no longer bothers with the household chores, she will not even pay the maid for her services.

What happens? Why do men change once they marry? Why do women withhold conjugal rights within marriages? Well I cannot answer all those questions. I can however tell you, what sometimes happens in such cases.

When a man or woman is left by the single person in the world around whom their world seemingly revolved, their world crumbles. As Chinua Achebe once said "...The center cannot hold, things fall apart..." She was beaten and abused, but she did not leave him; ironically, he leaves her for another. Such a woman's world is non-existent. The reason that one does not leave a relationship even when the worst comes to the worst is because looking into their partner's eyes, they see not what that person really is but what he/she used to be or in some cases, what they could have been. Its hard, indeed it is nearly impossible to accept that your picture-perfect relationship is over and there is no fixing it.

Sometimes, the history between two people is so rich and the feelings between them so strong that when they part, one is irreparably broken. I'm not exaggerating. What happens to the things you used to do together like sing in the shower together? What happens to the small things like how you used to take coffee in the morning together or how you'd wake up to the beautiful scent of your partner in the morning? What happens to the conversations you'd have in the morning, inside the car on your way to work?

What happens to the outings where you'd visit restaurants together? Can you still visit those same restaurants alone? What happens when you are fixing the couch and you remember how she loved arranging the cushions? Or when you see someone at the office carrying a handbag that's the same colour as one of her handbags? What happens when you see someone else wearing a sweater that looks just like her favourite sweater?

What happens when you are in a public vehicle and her favourite song comes on the radio? Or when the person seated next to you is wearing her favourite perfume? Can you really forget how she would smile at you every morning when you saw her? Or the fervour with which she would get all dressed up every morning and especially Sunday mornings, when she would strictly wear a skirt or a dress?

Can you forget his handsome face? His strong grip? His warm embrace? Can you forget his charming smile? Or how he used to fix the shower every time it had a problem? Can you forget his off-colour jokes and his vain attempts to hide secrets from you? Can you forget how he would stammer when he was afraid to tell you something? Can you forget the soft feel of his lips? Or the firm feel of his bossom? Can you really forget how it felt for him to caress you tenderly and look at you longingly, desire evident in his eyes?

Did you really forget all the special dates he took you out on? All the nice surprises he arranged for you? Can you really forget all the wonderful meals she cooked for you? How she tirelessly washed all your clothes? How sexy she looked bending over in a skirt?
(While washing!!!!)

The answer is no. You can't really forget all of that. The pictures, the trips, the adventures, the friends, the memories...its all too much to forfeit. Instead we hold on to this image of a time when everything was perfect. When he knew exactly what you wanted, even when you didn't say it. When she did all things without complaining or nagging. We do all things to make the relationship work, but when it fails, we cannot bear the pain. Yet the pain is so deeply interlinked with our joys. The person that brought us seemingly, never-ending pleasure, brought us even greater pain.

We move on, but we never forget...

Dropping Out Of "Parent's" Courses...

"...I'm sorry, I can't be perfect..." So goes the song Perfect by Simple Plan, a famous North American rock band. The song features teens trying to let out the pressure they feel and eventually realizing that they cannot keep their pain in any longer. This is a more-often-than-not experience for parents raising teenagers especially in this day and age. But is this problem really limited to teenagers? Or does it affect people even in their older ages but they learn to hide it?

Take Mary for example, a once upon a time teenager who desperately wanted to become a lawyer but who through sheer coercion or as some might call it, "heavy parental influence" changed her university course to Bachelors in Commerce. Now Mary spends her days in class day dreaming of what might have been. Meet Drusilla, a quiet but social young girl who likes to go out sometimes, but mostly likes hanging out with friends. Once upon a time, she wanted to do art. She even picked out an art school straight out of high school. Her parents however, did not think that art was something she could make a living out of, and instead pressured her to do Applied Statistics. Halfway through the course, Drusilla decides she has had enough, packs up her bags and heads back home. Shocked and disbelieving, her parents inquire why the sudden change of heart. 

Sadly, this is a picture that is rapidly forming in our society. Our young men and women are no longer in school for the passion of learning, they are in school to fulfill their parents' wishes, a most discouraging factor that even the keenest of parents, sadly, do not seem to notice. Not too long ago, education was a privilege that only the wealthier bunch were entitled to. Going to school was considered to be a fashionable lifestyle, though it was not always as much fun as you may be led to believe. But back then, students were paid to study in University. Those of us who are not privileged to have seen the era are informed that this funding was called the "Boom". Being in the university was luxurious those days but even more importantly, in those days, there were fewer courses to choose from, and parents did not know much about these courses; therefore few of them would even know what courses their children did in university. This environment though tough for some, was beneficial for most because they got to choose what they felt they desired.

In this day and age, students in university have so much to choose from. It sometimes gets confusing for the students who only know what they were good at in high school and not how that relates to the myriad of courses presented in the university prospectus. Parents lovingly try to help their children by advising them favourably towards some courses and disfavourably to other courses that they feel are not suitable for their children. The act is very admirable, however, therein lies the crucial mistake that most parents do.

While it is very good to help your child decide what career might be best for them, most parents do not realize that it is best to let their children make the final decision as to what they would like to do. A crucial factor that parents forget is that children also need motivation to succeed and that motivation comes from the joy of pursuing a career of interest. Forcing a child to do a course that they would not like to do might work initially, but in the end it may be pure torture to the child.

Hundreds of students drop out of campus every year and end up either changing courses or forgetting about their campus studies altogether. Many of them when asked respond that they believe they are not doing what they would like to spend the rest of their lives doing. Of course there are many other reasons why students drop out at the campus level. Some get pregnant, others lack tuition fees, still others become indisciplined and turn to drugs, while others just don't like the education set up. There are many reasons why students at the campus level drop out but the chief reason why students who were apparently SMART at other levels of education, suddenly drop out of campus, is because they feel they are doing "their parents' course". So why parents, do you want to push your child to do a course that you think befits them when your own parents did not do the same to you? A suitable analogy to what your children go through when you do this to them is; Having a boss who defines exactly how, what, where and when you do the work he assigns you. Its like having your boss tell you exactly how you should spend your time, according to his desires.

I mean no disrespect, I know you love your children and you want them to be more successful than you ever were, but if you love them and you want them to succeed, let them choose their own destiny. The strange thing is, once you counsel your child without pushing them, they will pick a course they like and even if they later feel the need to change that course, they will not lose hope easily, they will endeavour with all their might to be the best at what they do. Even "troublesome" kids when left to choose their own careers will suddenly change and reform as if transformed by some magical power. 

This is how the Boom funding allowed university students in those days to choose the courses they desired. Back then, if children disagreed with their parents on the courses they desired, they could afford to pay for the courses they desired using the Boom funding. Who will our children turn to, if their own parents will not give them the keys to unlock their destinies? You may think your children see things the way you do, but when you see these problems affecting your children, know that they tried to hide the pain rather than deal with it.

The magic of the shower

Lights, camera, action! "Mayaiiii! Mala-oh! Managuu!!" Yeees! The floor is my stage, the soap is my mike (microphone), the towel is my band and the windows are my loyal fans! Indeed, when I step into the shower, my usually froggy-voice magically transforms and becomes smooth and oily, capable of swaying the masses in the thousands. My looks suddenly become stunning, my fame shoots to the stars and no one can challenge my title as the King of Music. 

No really, I'm telling you! The shower is my hall of fame, those four walls can sing of my talent. The shower is my studio, and my records go platinum in there. When I step on the stage, the ground trembles under the thumping of a hundred thousand feet. The stadium lights up beneath the flashing of tens of thousands of cameras. Resounding echoes of cheering voices fill the stadium as I take the mike. I spit lyrics like thunder and the crowds go crazy!

Alas! The event is over, and I must return to my mundane life where my fame is not known. Where my friends "politely" inform me that the above lyric should be "Miya hee, miya ho, miya hu, miya ha-ha" from the song Live your life by Rihanna and T.I.