"You see, I haven't been the same
Since that cold November day
We said we needed space
But all we found was an empty place..."
Since that cold November day
We said we needed space
But all we found was an empty place..."
- Where Do Broken Hearts Go by Whitney Houston
So where do broken hearts really go when they are broken? What really happens to a man or woman who thought they had met the love of their life only to lose that loved one in a painful and sometimes embarrassing way? Do endless tears or sad mourning change anything? Does the pain ever truly go away?
The short answer is no, the pain does not go away at all. The pain stays, sometimes so does the love. But why is it that those of us who have suffered through relentless pain and torture - sometimes even physically - stay? What makes us so naive? Why are we so drawn to the people that hurt us? Why do we so willingly give our hearts to those who will not think twice to hurt us?
Your husband beats you, he slaps, punches, kicks and even bites you till you bleed. Your wife sleeps with other men, and does not even bother to hide it. She abhors and despises you, but you still will not walk away? Is there something wrong with you? No. Are you retarded? No. Why are you still with her?
There is no simple answer to that. You see folks, when you first loved someone, they were sweet, loving, considerate, protective, considerate and very passionate. You, as a couple, had shared dreams and you both felt the same way about each other and nothing seemed impossible to the two of you. You shared in each other's joys and in each other's sorrows. You overcame everything together, it was like the moon and the sun. Though different, one can't do without the other.
They would start a sentence and you would finish it. She would be upset, and he would know what to say. He would make mistakes, and she would not judge him. They make their way to the top, but then slowly, things start to change. He no longer comes home, he doesn't even pay the school fees for his own children. She no longer bothers with the household chores, she will not even pay the maid for her services.
What happens? Why do men change once they marry? Why do women withhold conjugal rights within marriages? Well I cannot answer all those questions. I can however tell you, what sometimes happens in such cases.
When a man or woman is left by the single person in the world around whom their world seemingly revolved, their world crumbles. As Chinua Achebe once said "...The center cannot hold, things fall apart..." She was beaten and abused, but she did not leave him; ironically, he leaves her for another. Such a woman's world is non-existent. The reason that one does not leave a relationship even when the worst comes to the worst is because looking into their partner's eyes, they see not what that person really is but what he/she used to be or in some cases, what they could have been. Its hard, indeed it is nearly impossible to accept that your picture-perfect relationship is over and there is no fixing it.
Sometimes, the history between two people is so rich and the feelings between them so strong that when they part, one is irreparably broken. I'm not exaggerating. What happens to the things you used to do together like sing in the shower together? What happens to the small things like how you used to take coffee in the morning together or how you'd wake up to the beautiful scent of your partner in the morning? What happens to the conversations you'd have in the morning, inside the car on your way to work?
What happens to the outings where you'd visit restaurants together? Can you still visit those same restaurants alone? What happens when you are fixing the couch and you remember how she loved arranging the cushions? Or when you see someone at the office carrying a handbag that's the same colour as one of her handbags? What happens when you see someone else wearing a sweater that looks just like her favourite sweater?
What happens when you are in a public vehicle and her favourite song comes on the radio? Or when the person seated next to you is wearing her favourite perfume? Can you really forget how she would smile at you every morning when you saw her? Or the fervour with which she would get all dressed up every morning and especially Sunday mornings, when she would strictly wear a skirt or a dress?
Can you forget his handsome face? His strong grip? His warm embrace? Can you forget his charming smile? Or how he used to fix the shower every time it had a problem? Can you forget his off-colour jokes and his vain attempts to hide secrets from you? Can you forget how he would stammer when he was afraid to tell you something? Can you forget the soft feel of his lips? Or the firm feel of his bossom? Can you really forget how it felt for him to caress you tenderly and look at you longingly, desire evident in his eyes?
Did you really forget all the special dates he took you out on? All the nice surprises he arranged for you? Can you really forget all the wonderful meals she cooked for you? How she tirelessly washed all your clothes? How sexy she looked bending over in a skirt?
(
While washing!!!!)
The answer is no. You can't really forget all of that. The pictures, the trips, the adventures, the friends, the memories...its all too much to forfeit. Instead we hold on to this image of a time when everything was perfect. When he knew exactly what you wanted, even when you didn't say it. When she did all things without complaining or nagging. We do all things to make the relationship work, but when it fails, we cannot bear the pain. Yet the pain is so deeply interlinked with our joys. The person that brought us seemingly, never-ending pleasure, brought us even greater pain.
We move on, but we never forget...
The short answer is no, the pain does not go away at all. The pain stays, sometimes so does the love. But why is it that those of us who have suffered through relentless pain and torture - sometimes even physically - stay? What makes us so naive? Why are we so drawn to the people that hurt us? Why do we so willingly give our hearts to those who will not think twice to hurt us?
Your husband beats you, he slaps, punches, kicks and even bites you till you bleed. Your wife sleeps with other men, and does not even bother to hide it. She abhors and despises you, but you still will not walk away? Is there something wrong with you? No. Are you retarded? No. Why are you still with her?
There is no simple answer to that. You see folks, when you first loved someone, they were sweet, loving, considerate, protective, considerate and very passionate. You, as a couple, had shared dreams and you both felt the same way about each other and nothing seemed impossible to the two of you. You shared in each other's joys and in each other's sorrows. You overcame everything together, it was like the moon and the sun. Though different, one can't do without the other.
They would start a sentence and you would finish it. She would be upset, and he would know what to say. He would make mistakes, and she would not judge him. They make their way to the top, but then slowly, things start to change. He no longer comes home, he doesn't even pay the school fees for his own children. She no longer bothers with the household chores, she will not even pay the maid for her services.
What happens? Why do men change once they marry? Why do women withhold conjugal rights within marriages? Well I cannot answer all those questions. I can however tell you, what sometimes happens in such cases.
When a man or woman is left by the single person in the world around whom their world seemingly revolved, their world crumbles. As Chinua Achebe once said "...The center cannot hold, things fall apart..." She was beaten and abused, but she did not leave him; ironically, he leaves her for another. Such a woman's world is non-existent. The reason that one does not leave a relationship even when the worst comes to the worst is because looking into their partner's eyes, they see not what that person really is but what he/she used to be or in some cases, what they could have been. Its hard, indeed it is nearly impossible to accept that your picture-perfect relationship is over and there is no fixing it.
Sometimes, the history between two people is so rich and the feelings between them so strong that when they part, one is irreparably broken. I'm not exaggerating. What happens to the things you used to do together like sing in the shower together? What happens to the small things like how you used to take coffee in the morning together or how you'd wake up to the beautiful scent of your partner in the morning? What happens to the conversations you'd have in the morning, inside the car on your way to work?
What happens to the outings where you'd visit restaurants together? Can you still visit those same restaurants alone? What happens when you are fixing the couch and you remember how she loved arranging the cushions? Or when you see someone at the office carrying a handbag that's the same colour as one of her handbags? What happens when you see someone else wearing a sweater that looks just like her favourite sweater?
What happens when you are in a public vehicle and her favourite song comes on the radio? Or when the person seated next to you is wearing her favourite perfume? Can you really forget how she would smile at you every morning when you saw her? Or the fervour with which she would get all dressed up every morning and especially Sunday mornings, when she would strictly wear a skirt or a dress?
Can you forget his handsome face? His strong grip? His warm embrace? Can you forget his charming smile? Or how he used to fix the shower every time it had a problem? Can you forget his off-colour jokes and his vain attempts to hide secrets from you? Can you forget how he would stammer when he was afraid to tell you something? Can you forget the soft feel of his lips? Or the firm feel of his bossom? Can you really forget how it felt for him to caress you tenderly and look at you longingly, desire evident in his eyes?
Did you really forget all the special dates he took you out on? All the nice surprises he arranged for you? Can you really forget all the wonderful meals she cooked for you? How she tirelessly washed all your clothes? How sexy she looked bending over in a skirt?
(
While washing!!!!)The answer is no. You can't really forget all of that. The pictures, the trips, the adventures, the friends, the memories...its all too much to forfeit. Instead we hold on to this image of a time when everything was perfect. When he knew exactly what you wanted, even when you didn't say it. When she did all things without complaining or nagging. We do all things to make the relationship work, but when it fails, we cannot bear the pain. Yet the pain is so deeply interlinked with our joys. The person that brought us seemingly, never-ending pleasure, brought us even greater pain.
We move on, but we never forget...
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