"Everybody's looking for that something,
One thing that makes it all complete
You'll find it in the strangest places
Places you never thought it could be..."
- Flying Without Wings By Westlife
That moment, when you totally surrender to the love of your life and you declare that you will forever be theirs and they will forever be yours - the most glorious moment of a man's life. You suddenly feel like the world is a better place. Suddenly all your dreams are within arm's reach. Everything feels like its just going to work out somehow, miraculously even. Then comes the honeymoon, the culmination of the wedding ceremony, the thing that sets you over the moon. Bubbling with joy, ripe with passion and overflowing with desire, you consummate your love for one another.
A few months down the line, your ardor for one another barely flickers in the darkness of the time after marriage. You try, but as a man, the desire for your wife no longer exists. You no longer find anything alluring about her. All you see now is a nagging woman who can't wait for you to get home for her to talk your ear off. She no longer sees the glint of desire in your eyes. She talks, but she never really feels like she's heard. Sometimes she feels alone like even though you are already there, you've already left, you've already walked out on her.
But why? Did the vows you made when you married her change? Did she become too fat? Is there something you want but she can't give? Have you found a different woman to satisfy your amorous tendencies? Or do you feel that she is no longer the woman you love? These questions play out in the mind of a woman like the scenes of a horror movie when your so-called "indifference" as a man, begins. She imagines the worst, unable to contain her jealousy, she begins to accuse the man of infidelity and indifference. Of course this only serves to push the man away, and he begins to wonder what he ever saw in this woman.
But what really happens when people get married? Is marriage a curse that dims even the most fiery passions? Is it an inescapable prison that compels one and all to a life of tolerating one another? Or worse, is it an abyss that sucks up your dreams and casts you into a life of conformity, mediocrity and endless self-sacrifice? Not at all my dear friends. Contrary to popular belief, there are happy couples and while their lives are not real life fairy tales; they are as close to fairy tales as love gets.
Love is killed by many things, but in marriage or commitment (for those who commit to their loved ones before marriage) - it is mostly killed by a mutual illusion, that one partner no longer has anything to offer, and the other has nothing more to pursue. Am I speaking in parables? Lets flash back to the time before you were "together". When you courted one another.
You as the man would feel eager to see her. You would spend days, sometimes even weeks raking your mind, seeking a way, a means to impress her. Finally, an opportunity would present itself, and you would pounce on it. She would react well this time and you would be pleased, but next time, she would act indifferent, perhaps even disapprove of a very similar action. Taken aback and confused, frustrated and disappointed, you would go back to the drawing board, wondering what you had done wrong. But then, you would come up with a clever innuendo and execute it with surgical precision. Once again, you would be in her good graces, and your heart would boast with pride, The dragon in your heart would roar like a mighty beast, Yes! You had done it. Perhaps she would then withdraw suddenly and you would wonder, by what caprice, she would commit such an offense. In hurt and mental pain, you ponder your past actions pensively. You pore over every detail of your courtship wondering what you did wrong as to cause her to not desire your presence anymore. You apologize for what you think you may have done, but to no avail. You courage fails, your countenance falls. You suppose that perhaps she was too good for you and you too decide to withdraw.
Disarmed by your pain, she suddenly becomes tender, and she honours you with her presence. Confused by the sudden change of fate, you suddenly become alert and decide that perhaps she is giving you or perhaps that life in itself is giving you a second chance to make things right. You redouble your efforts to please her, but once again, you end up on the same place as before but this time you are livid with anger. You are certain that you did your best and that she knows this. You can see that she cares, so why does she draw away?
She draws away because she is afraid to concede to your attacks. Yes, she deeply cares for you, but she is afraid that if she confesses how she feels that perhaps you will make her extremely happy but then that someday you may someday take away that love by suddenly waking up and leaving. Her fears are greatly magnified when such an episode occurs in the life of a female colleague close to her.
Back to our story, the two of you go back and forth several times and little by little, you win over her heart and she makes an avowal of her strong, boundless love for you and lets go of what she so dearly holds on to, her "virtue". By this time of course, you will have honoured her with flowers, chocolates, secret getaways and adventures, things she would only have dreamed of having and doing with someone who means the world to her. But then the moment a woman gives you her body (her virtue), she believes that she has no more of herself to offer you. She still however hopes that you will love her and pursue her as you did before.
She proceeds to become too tender, open and complaissant. She leaves nothing to mystery and submits to your every demand unwittingly destroying the very designs and tools that she used to captivate you in the first place. With there no longer being a challenge, the man ceases to pursue her, with flowers, chocolate, fine wine and jewlery and he finds something else; sometimes even someone else to pursue. When these things stop, arguments begin, fights follow, communication breaks down - this is the beginning of the end.
But is it over? Is this the fate of all marriages? Are they all doomed to become lives of misery and ennui? Or was marriage never meant to last? Is the term "Happily married" a paradoxical oxymoron? No. The truth is that while every marriage must have ship-wrecking challenges, these challenges do not have to make you miserable, nor do they have to extinguish the flames of your love. On the contrary, they will make your love stronger and infinitely pleasurable when you overcome them. The woman must not stop resisting her husband after marriage. Do not become too agreeable with him! And for Christ's sake leave some things to mystery. Sure, revel in your conjugal bliss. But try something new sometime. Take a small trip, spend a little time away from him. Surprise him with your talents. Show him that even though he has conquered your "virtue" - he has only just touched the tip of the iceberg. In short, be a puzzle to him. His efforts will be to forever to please you. Men love a challenge, dangle the possibility of him figuring you out like a carrot before a donkey. Bait him, and I guarantee, if he be a man of honour, he will take it.
This article is based on letters exchanged between Lord Saint Evremond and The Modern Leontium
